Brutal Truths, Bitter Wisdom, Gallows Humor

The world was made for people who aren’t cursed with self-awareness.
— Bull Durham, screenplay by Ron Shelton

You fall out of your mother’s womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.
— Quentin Crisp

The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
— Peter Beard

The sun shone, having no alternative, on the nothing new.
— Samuel Beckett, opening line of Murphy, the funniest novel ever written.

I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.
— Charles Schultz

Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire of changing his bed. One would prefer to suffer near the fire, and another is certain he would get well if he were by the window.
— Charles Baudelaire

Life is like a B-Grade movie. You don’t want to leave in the middle, but you don’t want to see it again.
— Ted Turner

You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it.
— Art Buchwald

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
— Lily Tomlin

The problem with the global village is all the global village idiots.
— attributed to Paul Ginsparg

The organization of American society is an interlocking system of semi-monopolies notoriously venal, an electorate notiously unenlightened, misled by a mass media notoriously phony.
— Paul Goodman, as quoted in The Return of the Portable Curmudgeon

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people that piss you off.
— Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts

One is born into a herd of buffaloes and must be glad if one is not trampled under foot before one’s time.
—Albert Einstein

Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have learned to walk.
— Cyril Connolly

Proverbs for Paranoids:
1. You may never get to touch the Master, but you can tickle his creatures.
2. The innocence of the creatures is in inverse proportion to the immortality of the Master.
3. If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don’t have to worry about the answers.
4. YOU hide, they seek.
5. Paranoids are not paranoids because they’re paranoid, but because they keep putting themselves, fucking idiots, deliberately into paranoid situations.
— Thomas Pynchon, Gravity’s Rainbow

Democracy is an abuse of statistics.
— Jorge Luis Borges

- The saddest life is that of a political aspirant under democracy. His failure is ignominious and his success disgraceful.
- If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
— H. L. Mencken

- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
- Liberty is being free from the things we don’t like in order to be slaves of the things we do like.
— Ernest Benn

Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is a good thing. Fleas are interested in dogs.
— P. J. O’Rourke

• Happiness : An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
• Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another’s superiority.
• Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.
• Deliberation, n. The act of examining one’s bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
• Day, n. A period of time of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
• Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.
• LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
• MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.
• LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
• HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
• YEAR n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
• LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
• APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence
• OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

Suffering is overated. — Bill Veeck

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. — Gore Vidal

God is a place you will wait for the rest of your life.
— Jeff Magnum, Neutral Milk Hotel, “Two-Headed Boy Part 2,” In The Aeroplane Over The Sea

- To live is to lose ground.
- Once you see that everything is unreal, you can’t see why you should bother to prove it.
- No one ever recovers from the disease of being born, a deadly wound if there ever was one.
- Invalids of hope, we are all still waiting; and life is only the hypostatization of waiting.
- By all evidence we are in the world to do nothing; but instead of nonchalantly promenading our own corruption, we exude our sweat and grow winded upon the fetid air.
— E. M. Cioran (tr. Richard Howard)

- You are free and that is why you are lost.
- In man’s struggle against the world, bet on the world.
— Franz Kafka