pith…

Walgreen’s is my god. I will have no gods above thee.

Down the street from where I live is a Walgreen’s, a store that is part pharmacy, part convenience store, and entirely without shame for the contradictions within. Where else can one fill prescriptions for pain killers, anti-depressants, and erectile dysfunction while also acquiring two pounds of Slim Jims, a carton of cigarettes, and Mother’s Day cards? I have been down every aisle of the local store, often amazed by the unnecessary and often capricious use of candy products in a store that largely caters to people with type two diabetes. I shouldn’t be too critical, I too am a customer, a sugar addicted zombie parsing the four rows of things that barley qualify as food for my next fix of Jolly Ranchers. Walgreen’s caters to my laziness and carelessness. I no longer seek food that needs to be “cooked;” I can survive on sugar and fat alone.

In some southern states, Walgreen’s also sells liquor. Alas, not here. That added benefit would create an even greater sense of the contradiction that is Walgreen’s. I hope one day that I will be able to motor into Walgreen’s on my hover-round scooter for both pain killer and vodka, perhaps some Slim Jims as well. Nothing would please me more than to experience this truly American dream before I die from consuming all the things they sell at Walgreen’s.

After a recent visit I was overcome with the sense of impending doo. Not only did I buy a one pound bag of Lemonheads, but I was also consuming them with an energy drink. Has it really come to this? I live almost solely on sugar, caffeine, and mind-altering drugs prescribed by a friendly doctor. Walgreen’s has provided all of these things to me and, while I know this is not a sustainable lifestyle, I see no way out. Walgreen’s is my pusher. It won’t let me go. It keeps giving me a free hit with these incessant coupons for things I don’t need.

The only thing I can really fault Walgreen’s for is knowing their customer base too well. We are lazy, weak-willed people who love junk food and candy. They should sell hover-rounds. If you spend a thousand dollars at the store you should get 50% off on a hover-round. Maybe free insulin shots, or a colostomy bag.