pith…

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction.

My mind is entering a confusing mass of thoughts. Each thought running into another I start 4 pieces at the same time. None complete I save each in a new file. The files grow in numbers, rambling thoughts late into the night. Who am I? What am I doing? How did I get here? What does my life mean?

Is it the drugs talking, or is it my mind is finally being freed? Do I even need the chemicals I find myself ingesting daily, can I survive without them? Surely I don’t truly need them, they just make my life easier. Rambling thoughts, rolling through my mind, so many questions, where are my answers?

I never stop thinking, what’s the point? We’re given so little time on this earth, if we waste it, what have we gained? A life of luxury is wonderful, and having money is fun, but that’s not all there is in this world. Fire a gun, ride a motorcycle, do something dangerous and tell me it doesn’t make you feel more alive. Everything is flying past, I grab a single thought, only to find it slipping through my fingers. I start a new file.

What will this document present me? This time it’s a poem, the next time a dissertation, each one something new, each one a thought that needs to present itself. Each one as slippery as the next. Where is some glue for my mind so I can make a single thought stick? It seems each answer I find and each document I start raises more thoughts and more questions. I write one sentence, another follows. Finally I write a paragraph, but I realize I’m missing the point that I was trying to achieve. Control-S, name the document. Control-N start another. I’ll complete that thought later.

It’s not so much a confusion as it is a restlessness. If I were truly confused would I be able to write anything coherently? I don’t think so. I think i would be stuck in the masses like much of society, just slowly plodding along as they tell us to, watch the television, drink what they want us to. Why be healthy when food can just be delivered? Why not join in and do what they tell us? Draw your own conclusions, I know I draw mine. I’ll write about those later. Another document saved, another started. Maybe I should just combine all these into one and people can read how my mind really works. I don’t think that would be healthy. Maybe it would, more that I can realize.

I think everything I’ve been taught throughout my entire life is what has made me this way, if you don’t think about everything that attacks you, you can never bolster for what’s to follow. Let your mind dwell on one thing too long and it might just overcome you. But sometimes you must dwell to realize who you are, and what things mean to you. It’s those moments I grasp, and those moments I finally find myself able to write what’s there, what I want to, what I need to. Every other intervening new document is just an idle thought that needs to be purged before I can find the source of what is really on my mind. Each idle though will be completed later, I realize now it’s just a question of when. Sometimes it’s at night while I’m sleeping, and a dream will answer the thought, sometimes it’s another day when that idle thought is what is disturbing me. The subconscious is a powerful force, it just needs to be embraced. But that too is a thought for later, that’s not what’s on my mind. Save and start again. Save and start again.

At what point do I begin to sound crazy? Maybe I already have? Then you have to ask yourself, is this a work of fiction? Or is this really what I mean to write? Am I trying to emulate the ramblings of a madman, or is this the real me? For those of you who know me, what’s your answer? Write it down now, turn it into the teacher at the end of class. Your papers will be graded.

What is that thought, what is that thought, the one I’m trying to write. Where are you? I know I saw you a moment ago. Ah there you are, you’ve come to me now. You want me to purge you too. I’m talking to myself now, I’m talking to my thoughts, are they what makes me myself? We dwell, we’re taught to dwell, but not too long because then we might figure out what’s being taught to us. We’re taught to listen just long enough to minimally understand what they want us to, then they can control our minds. Then they can force us to give them money without really using force. They don’t want to let us go, we’re they’re revenue. Who is they? Ask another, he can tell you as well as I can. We came out of it alike. We had that talk, we’ve both been through it, life is funny like that.

I find myself realizing that experience taught me more about society and living as a whole than anything else that I’ve ever done. Each thing that advertising brings to us is just another form or attempt at trying to control or warp how the masses think, the weaker the mind the more you give in, the longer you stay in. The more they can get you to give them. Have four hours, your votes matter. We’ll give away 5 million dollars if you call us enough times. What do those four hours cost us? Who knows, I don’t, I didn’t waste four hours sending any votes. I digress again, my mind is getting lost.

Is it the hour of the night? I don’t think it is. I’m not drunk, I don’t even find myself wishing I was. I’m happy, that’s a good thing right? Who am I? Where was I going? I’m lying in bed, or at least part of me is, the rest of me is somewhere else just trying to figure out the questions I don’t know how to ask yet. There are so many, so easily overcome, why is everything just a ball of confusion? Someone throw me a life preserver, no that’s a safety blanket, it’ll just soak up the water and weigh me down. I’m drowning now, and it’s your fault. Who am I talking to? I don’t even know. Each day I look, and I see I’m talking to someone out there, many people out there, but who are you? Where do you go? You look once, but then do you run away? Or do you always look? Are you always looking?

Those papers, are you done yet? I’m not, I’ve got so much more to write. There’s no time limit, turn them in whenever you’re done, just don’t let the bell sound. Does that even make sense? Not really, but who cares? The teacher will give you an A anyways, it doesn’t matter. It’s just a check mark next to your name for attendance. You do attend right? You can make it up another way, I’ll figure it out for you. We’ll talk later.

It’s not even 4 am, and I feel like the day’s already over, is there any reason to post this? What will people think. The shrinks have all said “don’t ask questions you can’t get answers to”, but what other real questions are there to ask? The ones that already have answers are no fun, and the ones that don’t have answers are the only ones challenging enough to think about to let yourself waste the time pondering them. It’s either that or waste away. Sometimes it’s better to rot… isn’t it?

Don’t send this to my shrink, I don’t need to go back there, they said I’m okay. Give me some time, I just need to finish this thought, I need to finish this paper. Time is all we do have, but we have so little of it. Why am I wasting it sitting here? Sleep beckons, but I fight it off for another moment, another moment I can breathe in the air around me and be aware of what’s going on. The constant humming, the hammer of the keys being hit as I type this. Wait wait, you can’t hear this, only I can. Why am I telling you what I see? Why are you still reading? You shouldn’t be looking at my paper, you should be writing yours! You have your own thoughts, stop stealing mine!

It’s the drugs, it has to be the drugs. I’m not like this usually, why did they give me these pills to take? What are these pills anyways? Dichloromethylbutyl something or others, they mess with my mind, they make my dreams so vivid. I can’t remember the last time I really slept, each moment is fading into the next, my sleeping dreams so vivid, or perhaps my waking life is so dull it feels itself a dream. Someone tell me the answers, I have the questions. I don’t want to think about this anymore. I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t… No wait. I do.

I take them with water, the water tastes funny too, do they put things in there as well? I heard somewhere they do, but that was just a conspiracy theory. There’s no reason for them to want to taint our water. But the water tasted so much better when I wasn’t here. My mind seemed clearer. No, that was because I was excercising, it wasn’t the water, it wasn’t the pills, it wasn’t the air. Are they doing things to the air too?

Dare I say this outloud to the world out there? No one really wants to read the writings of insanity, of a freed mind, of a soul uncaptured. Why do you keep browsing here? Nothing is going to change, there are no sparks left in this shell, just the rambling thoughts of a mind ravished by everything they can do to me. But perhaps it’s that ravishing that’s led me to something clearer, that thought that I keep trying to write. It’s always there on the tip of my tongue, alt-tab, back to the first document, let’s add a few sentences there, yes that thought fits there nicely. I’m always wondering what that feeling means to each person I encounter, it seems like everyone has a different spin on it. Maybe that’s what I should talk about, my feelings.

The doctors always have you lie down and tell them what you’re feeling. Suicidal thoughts? Ever have those? Oh those are bad, here take these. Oh those make you tired? Try these, but give me a call if you notice any side effects. Does not sleeping count? Wait, I don’t know if I sleep, maybe I do, I remember things about sleeping, I remember having my eyes shut, and I remember breathing, I remember counting, but then I remember things, I’m awake, but I can’t be, there’s no way I was awake. I tell them my feelings whenever they ask, they just never ask the right questions. Give me some time, I’m not a computer. I need time to think about what you’re asking me? Oh you want the first thing that comes to mind? A thoughtful answer won’t be as truthful? Maybe it’ll be more truthful. Not everything is a polarizing thought, not everything has to be black or white, there are sometimes cases in between. No, I don’t need that, I just need someone to talk to. Where are my friends?

Wait, don’t answer that, that’s a question for another time. That’s not this paper. You’re supposed to be writing about me, me me me. I’m the one, I need to know what you think about me? There’s nothing wrong with me, they told me I was strong, and brave, and I came through everything well. I should not be who I am, but I still am who I am, and they’re impressed. Who am I? Can you tell me that? I know I’ve asked that already. You really should tell me one of these days. Who am I to you? What do I mean to you? I need to know, where do I fit? Give me that. No wait, I’m still talking to myself. I can’t answer my own questions like that. I need time. I don’t want to feel rushed. How can I rush to find my own answers?

Fleeting, fleeting, I haven’t saved in awhile, I haven’t started a new file. New, New, New, New. More windows, more words, less meaning. Nothing means anything, everything I write is gibberish, I speak in tongues to a god I don’t believe in, but he loves me which is why he’s done this to me. A mind that can never stop thinking about anything that is going on. Let me sleep, let me sleep. Give me that peace, please. Oh wait, another god gave me something for that, maybe I should take one of those. That’s just what I need more chemicals. More pollution in my body. But it’ll help, it’s just what the doctor perscribed. It’s supposed to help me sleep. Orange, blue, white, yellow, oval, and round, which one is which. There are so many, choose quickly, that’s what they always say. I like blue. But the blue pill takes you back, I don’t want to go back, I want to go forward. Take four red capsules. I heard that in a movie once. I don’t have any red capsules. Orange, that’s close. Orange could be my favorite color, but blue is more tranquil.

No, no, that’s not what I sat down to write, I wanted to say my thoughts, I wanted to tell you what my core meaning was. I wanted to say where there were so many documents on my desktop just piling up. I’m not crazy. I’m not there. Is that the core thought, is that what I mean to tell you? I don’t know any more, maybe I should just get some sleep. I should say something or else you’ll stop coming here…

Control-S, Control-N. Start a new document, this is an idle thought for later.